it has been a year since things changed, nothing real bad happened, i got sick a few times, because i was forcing myself too much, but it doesnt matter now, there are the closing days of this year.
i have fear. fear all over my heart, it spawns and lingers, transforms in sadness, my memories still around, floating, bringing back the old, good times of the golden age, when i was young, the sky was bluer and the wind happier. a few things changed, but nowdays, i cant cry anymore.
even if i try, i cant, some tears fall down, but, nothing comes out. im avoiding a huge fight, everyone that knows me, pretty much knows that at some point, there will be a fight and…
i dont know, after this fight, i see nothing, thats the point were i will be so tired, so sadenned, my chest will thighten with each day. since i was 6 years old, the world and life changed, as time passed i only hoped for some happiness. i have found someone who actually cares and loves me, as i do love her. it feels warm, brings me a smile, makes everything better, but, shes lives too far. ages until i see her, and on the top of it, i have the fear of losing her, not for anyone, but, for something, thought she might find someone better and swap me, but… i guess i could live with it. since i was 6, my “luck” were small things that i learned with myself, so i could smile a bit, and, stop crying.
when i was on the 1st grade, and the year before it, i cried so much, teachers, even friends wondered why, my parents knew of this, but, i never said why, you know, it hurts to be treated as trash, but as a kid, its even harder to say to your parents that they’re being unfair, who would say treating as trash, the year will end, and… i dont want it to.
tonight i thought os suiciding again, sadness sometimes picks up so much that, i have those thoughts. i fear death too much to try, and, my life isnt this bad. someday the sun will rise, it always rises, even on the longest of the nights of the longest winter, the sun always rises.
i write this, so, when things get better, or worse, i can read and know, that, things have been worse, or that things have been better, and thus, have something to hope for.